| Count Pointercount. An inventor. Several decades ago, he set out to create a time machine that would allow him to travel back in time to stop global warming and also hunt saber-tooth tigers, as he believes that saber-tooth tiger fangs, if properly distilled, can be packaged with low-annual-fee credit cards and marketed to college freshmen as an aphrodisiac. |
| Roboctopus. A prototype designed by Count Pointercount. Her metal is not rustproof, so she was placed in a plexiglass bubble and dropped into the ocean. She spends her days complaining about her fate, and occasionally saving fish from Shark. |
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| Shark. A killing machine, but not really a machine. She enjoys sneaking up on unsuspecting fish and biting them in half, even when she's not hungry. She doesn't care much for technology, but is very interested in space travel. |
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| Octobot. The perfect machine, based on the inferior prototype Roboctopus. Not only is he wise, kind, brave, and handsome, he is also dementedly genocidal, which makes life in the ocean a great big adventure whenever he's around! |
| The Angler of Death. He uses his death lamp to lure sea creatures to the bottom of the sea, where they become corpses. If they don't come willingly, he slices them into chum using his scythe. He is very busy. |
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| Rosie Rockfish. Much like any human woman you've ever met who was named Rosie, this fish is full of spunk and attitude, and doesn't mind making small talk when business at the diner is slow. She likes to eat smaller fishes, octopi, and shrimp. |
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| Mummies. Born in Egypt three thousand years ago, they lived on a diet of roots, berries, and Vikings until they invented purple ink, at which point they started the world's first Evil Corporation, based out of Lisbon. Their current project involves perfecting the "dirty nuke suitcase bomb," with which they hope to annihilate mankind. |
| Wolf Eel. The perfect combination of wolf and eel, this creature resides in crevices behind Greek restaurants, where he lives on a diet of kabobs and souvlaki. |
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| Warty Sea Cucumber. This little dude was voted Least Popular Sea Creature for five years straight back in the 80s, and Congress even went so far as to pass the Endangered Species Wishlist Act of 1987 to drum up support for a planned extinction. In western Massachussetts, hundreds of people went into the graveyards at midnight and threw dead cats into fetid, mosquito-infested ponds, but to no avail. |
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| Spiny Brittle Star. Lost twelve arms in 'Nam, and was able to regrow eleven of them. He once dated Roboctopus, and now blames it on the fact that he "has no eyes." |
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| President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Known primarily for ignoring danger until it was too late to do anything but sit and wait for the inevitable wholesale slaughter of innocent civilians, he starred as the Silver Dollar from 1971 tgo 1978 before low ratings forced a cancellation. |
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| Flower Hat Jelly. Currently semi-benthic, she hopes to achieve full benthicity sometime in 2009. |
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| Common Market Squid. There's nothing "common" about the mating orgies these guys engage in on a weekly basis! Their cousins, the Chambered Nautiluses, can only watch in horror and prudish disgust as thousands of these li'l fellas writhe and squirm in shallow waters, swapping sperm and eggs for hours at a time until they all die. |
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| Witch. After centuries of persecution, witches have pretty much given up. In our story, the witch plays a marginal role at best; she merely sits sulking passively while the Leprechaun and the Giant Squid hog the spotlight. You can't really blame her; it's far better to be boring than to be burned at the stake or dunked in boiling oil or sliced open from belly to chin in order to pull out your intestines, fashion a noose, and hang you with your own innards. But still, keeping her mouth shut and letting her male companions take the lead? Not such a hot role model for the young women of America. |
| California Barracuda. Unlike her ne'er do well brother the Alabama Barracuda, this Grand Dame of the Sea has never attempted to defraud her associates. It's all part of that crazy left coast live and let live attitude. She still hasn't made up her mind regarding the healing powers of certain crystals, but she knows for a fact that a good tarot reading is worth its weight in in grunions. |
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| Giant Squid. Once believed to be mythical, the Giant Squid stunned America by testifying in front of a joint session of Congress during the 1950s. Far from "mythical," the Giant Squid is actually among the most urbane and sophisticated sea-dwelling creatures. The celebrity status he achieved during his testimony may have gone to his head, as in the early 90s he accepted several offers from the WWE to participate in two high-profile cage matches against former governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura. |
| Pajama Catshark. Enough said. |
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Photos and facts from the Monterey Bay Aquarium, where they still don't serve beer milkshakes. |
